


Disillusionment, Biological Process

by bofoddity



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Mini Big Bang Challenge, Villain Big Bang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-08-28
Packaged: 2017-12-24 22:37:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/945477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bofoddity/pseuds/bofoddity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucrecia said no.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to anassa_anemou for the awesome art and u_evangeline for beautiful mix, and both for their incredible kindness and patience with me.

  


Mom loves to talk about Sephiroth's birth. Sephiroth loves to listen to her talk about it, though the story itself is nothing special. Mom and Hojo wanted him, they had him, it was difficult but everything went okay in the end. Still, some things keep standing out every time the tale is told.

"I thought it wasn't supposed to happen," Mom is saying now as Sephiroth sits in her lap. She and Hojo got home from work few hours ago, tired from the long week behind them, but telling this story is a sure way to get her in good mood so Sephiroth asked for it. He presses his cheek to where Mom's heart beats beneath her green sweater. She goes on: ""I didn’t know much about babies then, still don’t in fact. But I swear that your eyes were wide open when they gave you to me.”

In early stories his eyes opened later, but the point is always the same: they stunned everyone who saw them, the color was beautiful, Mom never thought anyone could have eyes like that. Sephiroth is sure his eyes are Mom’s favorite part of him. He’s not sure whether he likes Mom having favorite things about him or not.

"I think you were too tired to notice anyone's eyes," Hojo says. He's sitting in the hard, lumpy chair that no one else's back can stand, away from Sephiroth and Mom. His spindly limbs require a lot of space around them. "Labor is hard work."

"Says he who knows all about it." Mom is smiling, Sephiroth can feel it without even looking at her, but he does so anyway. She beams down at him and he grins in return.

"Says he who can educate himself about things he doesn't know," Hojo says, and there is a smile in his voice too; he's probably writing something, one leg folded on top of the other one to act as a table for his, fat black notebook, and the rest of his body is folded over that. Hojo is always complaining about aching and feeling stiff, but Sephiroth is sure you could put Hojo into a tiny box and he would still find a way to talk or write. He does so in that chair, after all.

"I saw them eventually anyway," Mom amends. "And they-"

And however Mom may change the story, or lose herself in thought, as she sometimes does, this part always happens; this is the moment she looks the way she must have the day Sephiroth was born, he's sure, her eyes full of light and wonder as she reaches out to stroke his hair out of his face, lightly like he may break -

"-were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. That's when I fell in love."

Nothing ever matters after that, except one thing: he knows that's when he had fallen in love, too.

Lucrecia always takes her time with Sephiroth when it's time for the boy to go to bed. It’s not a concern yet; Sephiroth doesn't need to start the school in some time, and they can afford to be flexible with schedules when the time comes, too. Still, Hojo wonders if he should try to discourage it. Too much adoration is not ideal for child’s healthy development.

But for now it isn't a problem. Now it means that Lucrecia is happy and has an additional project to focus on, with no time to dwell on getting left out of the Jenova Project. That grief is for Hojo alone.

"Do you think you're above sleep now?"

Yet there is a relief whenever Lucrecia, always, finally, comes to him; all she does now is stroke his shoulder as she passes and heads towards bathroom, but it's enough. It's all he needs to remember.

"I'll be done shortly," he says. Water is running in the bathroom, loud enough that he's certain Lucrecia can't make out his words, but at this hour she'll know what he's saying in any case. 'Shortly' means a minimum of minute today, but sometimes it means hours, as hard as he tries to stick it to one meaning only. It always means he will go to her.

He chose her. The situation is far from ideal, but it’s the one he chose. He will get the rest eventually.


	2. 2

Early on, Sephiroth realizes that his family is different from any other family in Nibelheim. Nothing proves that more than the fact Mom and Hojo work at the Shinra Mansion.

Shinra is the company that Mom and Hojo work for and it belongs to President Shinra. Vincent, Mom’s friend – or "friend", as the neighbors say, although he's not sure why - is also there sometimes, as is Professor Gast. Gast is the leader of Shinra's science department and his headquarters are in Midgar, but according to Hojo he used to work at Nibelheim too. Hojo calls him great - "great", sometimes - which Sephiroth knows nothing about, but Gast is a nice man. Everything is supposed to be 'confidential' and 'top secret' at the mansion, but Sephiroth gets to visit it anyway.

"Don't wander off," Mom tells him, as usual, and as usual Sephiroth waits. As much as Mom loves Sephiroth, she loves her work too, and it's just a matter of time when her attention gets lost on something else and Sephiroth can start looking around for real. Today is no different, and as soon as Mom is all caught up in a conversation, Sephiroth takes his chance.

Laboratory is where everyone works and it's located in the basement, but the most interesting thing part of the basement is the library. Hojo spends a lot of time there, and sometimes he has Mom or assistants with him, but most of the time he's there alone. He doesn't mind if Sephiroth goes there; Hojo doesn't like it if he's moving around with the ladder and exploring the shelves, but he lets Sephiroth look at the books and flip through them, and even offers Sephiroth specific books for reading. Sephiroth likes to read and so far he has never read a book here he didn't like, but sometimes reading gets boring. Today Professor Gast is around, which means that library is off limits; he watches from far as Hojo and Gast go in and close the door, and closed door always means that they aren't to be disturbed. Sephiroth doesn't intend to, either. Now he knows where Hojo is, and after checking that Mom is still busy, Sephiroth sneaks away.

Leaving the laboratory is always risky; it's bad enough if Hojo or Mom decide they need to check on him and find him gone, but getting caught by someone else means that Hojo and Mom will be in trouble too, and that is the surest way to get grounded. Staying in the long corridor that leads from the laboratory to the spiral stairs is almost always safe, and investigating it can be interesting enough on its own - there is constant talk about pests, hidden, unused doors and rooms and even ghosts in the laboratory - but the lure of the stairs is always stronger. Today, with Gast around, he feels confident enough to give in.

He takes his time in the stairs, stopping to listen if any worried noises are coming up from the basement, but soon he is at the top and ready to go. The upper floors of the mansion are supposed to act as living quarters for workers, but as far as he knows no one actually lives there for real, and since all the important stuff is held downstairs, Sephiroth will have a free reign. If there are creatures and secret things in the basement, there are even more of them in the main levels of the mansion. Some day he will find all of them, even if it means that Mom and Hojo have to find /him/. 

Sephiroth lingers at the top of the stairs a little longer to make sure nothing is happening in the basement, then takes off with a grin. He won't have much time, but any time is good when he can spend it exploring his favorite place in the world.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?"

Gast is smiling, all ease and confidence on the surface. Most of the time that ease and confidence is natural and true, but Hojo has known him for a long time and knows that he's observing a facade now. Energy that used to crackle around the man is fainter now, though still present; his posture is limp as he paces by the book shelves, hands linked behind his back. Somehow he looks small. Posture has a lot to do with the appearance of smallness; Hojo doesn't stand as tall as he did in the past either. Then again world doesn't expect as much from him as it does from its greatest mind. 

"We've been busy," Hojo says. Location has a lot to do with communication, after all. "How is the boy?"

Pacing stops. Gast grips his hands together, shoulders tensing up, turns to him with a frown.

"Not good. I don't think Saul has much time left."

Hojo doesn't have any reason to be upset. Hojo works with Jenova, but he hasn't been involved with the main branch of the project since he and Lucrecia opted out from having their child participate in it. Saul has; he is the child who was born with Ancient's blood inside him in Sephiroth's place, and Hojo hasn't had many reasons to think about him at all. Everything went so well with him in the beginning, after all. He hasn't been doing well in a long time by now, but Hojo doesn't have a reason to care.

It's humiliating that he does.

"I'm sorry to hear that." He lets Gast turn away from him, worrying the insides of his cheeks with his teeth despite himself. He forces himself to quit that before he asks: "But in that case, what are you doing here?"

Gast doesn't even look at him this time.

"I think this whole project has been one big mistake."

It's humiliating when he feels anger shoot up inside him.

/Now/ Gast is thinking. /Now/, when Hojo had to think about it all a long time ago; the risks, what was being asked from him, what he was asking for, what was at stake; and all he ever thought about was doing his part in making scientific history. He doesn't remember hearing one single word of doubt from Gast, nothing but reassurance that using Hojo's Sephiroth would have been quickest path in the future and it was a shame he and Lucrecia chose not to go for it.

Calm. He has to be calm, as he walks to Gast, as he reminds himself to think now too. He reaches out for the other man's rigid back, wondering if he should touch him, decides against it.

"Are you blaming yourself for what became of Saul?"

Gast's only response is a flinch. Hojo tries not to smile.

"You mustn't," he says instead. He moves in front of Gast, who is staring at the book shelf with tight, strained face, jaws twitching as he clenches them together. Hojo touches Gast this time, on the shoulder, keeps his hand there even as Gast fliches for second time.

"We knew there would be risks," he says. "Every one of us did. You did everything you could."

He rests both hands on Gast's shoulders, grabs tight as Gast is about to recoil.

"You did everything to make sure Saul and his mother would be safe. Lucrecia and I knew it too, that you would have done same for us. We trusted you."

He squeezes gently, leaning closer in hopes of catching Gast's eyes, but even as Gast's body turns to Hojo, his face is still turned towards the shelf. As if there is redemption hiding between the books, in years of research.

Redemption, when there should have been knowledge.

"You have not betrayed that trust."

He has. He did. Gast closes his eyes and grimaces, and Hojo can no longer hold back a sneer.


	3. 3

Sephiroth wakes up when a door slams shut downstairs. He thinks he was having a nightmare – his heart is racing like he's been running away from something - but it’s all gone from his mind now, curiosity taking its place. He listens.

"I've come to say goodbye," a ma- Vincent - is saying. "I'm resigning from Shinra."

He was awake enough already, but now he feels like he has swallowed a stone and it falls down through him. Vincent is Mom’s friend and he has always been there; like a dog, as Hojo says when he thinks Sephiroth isn't listening, but Sephiroth doesn't think it's a bad thing. Dogs are dependable. Dogs are always there.

Townspeople are always talking about Vincent and Mom, how they used to be in love; how Vincent still loves her, and how Mom is bad for doing nothing about it. Sephiroth never cared. He cares that Mom's best friend is planning to leave them.

Mom’s silence – Mom is who Vincent is talking to after all, Vincent has nothing to say to Hojo – feels like Sephiroth’s insides do. But her voice is light when she starts talking:

"It’s a pity.”

Then her voice is nothing at all; they must be talking quietly now, voices muffled by the bedroom door and the floor between them and Sephiroth, but when Sephiroth gets up and starts moving towards the door, on his toes, he thinks he hears laughter. Unpleasant laughter; the weight in Sephiroth’s stomach is still there, but it's moving, balling up inside him like some living thing. He doesn't want to open the door. He pushes the handle down, then the door open.

“The job is the problem!” Vincent shouts, except not really; he sounds strained, like he can't breathe, like he's about to break. He’s getting upset, which means Mom either is or will get upset too, and Sephiroth is soon to follow her.

“Where is this coming from?” Mom asks as Sephiroth gets down on his knees and crawls out of the room, heading towards the top of the stairs where he can listen to what's happening. Sephiroth tries to move slowly, so he won’t miss one word from the conversation, but trying to be careful turns out to be too unnerving; he stops listening and rushes the rest of the way to the stairs along the floor, dropping down on his stomach and dragging himself as close to the top step as he dares, to see Mom and Vincent and yet stay out of their sight.

“And you have no problem with it? It could have been you!” Vincent hisses, and somehow it’s worse than if he was shouting, and as Sephiroth looks over to Mom he can tell she agrees. She is hugging herself, looking away first, but when Vincent moves towards her – to grab her, say something more? Sephiroth hates all options – she snaps around and faces Vincent straight on, head tilted high.

“/If/ I had chosen to.”

Mom sounds steely, which is not her normal sound by any means, but Sephiroth finds it soothing; it means his Mom is less upset, more in control.

“It’s horrible what happened to Mrs. Mora, I agree. Of course I agree.” Mom's voice goes soft with the last words, her head almost dipping down, but she holds it up. “But she knew what she was get-“

“She had no idea what she was getting into,” Vincent says. He is still quiet, but in a less tense, less angry way. His shoulders even slump down as he adds: “You people didn't have any idea, either.”

Sephiroth doesn't know what they're talking about, but he doesn't want to hear any of it any longer. He wants to go down there, tell Vincent to leave and stop making his Mom upset, but he knows Mom won’t like that, so he tries to stay still.

“We did our best,” Mom says, even softer now. She’s still standing firm, arms crossed over her chest, but no longer anxious. She doesn't want this to go on, either, but she's her own self again.

Vincent seems to realize that too; Mom is not going to back down and he can't make her. Sephiroth holds his breath, wondering if the lull is still to break, but it doesn't. Vincent steps towards the door.

“You shouldn't have done any of it in the first place,” Vincent says. He turns away for good, closing the distance between himself and the door. The world outside is black and still as Vincent opens the door. For good, Sephiroth realizes, if Vincent leaves now it will be for good. He did come to tell Mom goodbye. 

Mom is looking at Vincent, small all of the sudden; she's thinking the same thing as Sephiroth. She walks over to Vincent and reaches up to lay her hand against his back. She doesn't rub him like she rubs Hojo, if Hojo is feeling bad or they're making peace, but she's gentle.

“Future doesn’t happen unless risks are taken.” Mom’s voice is so soft Sephiroth can barely hear it, but it calms him down. This whole visit has been weird and nasty, but Mom is as even as she always is. That's the most important thing.

"If that helps you to deal with it," Vincent replies, stepping out of their lives.

After Sephiroth sneaks back to his room and into bed, he wonders for a moment who Mrs. Mora is, why Mom could have been her. He chooses to forget about it.

When the PHS starts ringing, Hojo is reading through a proposal he has prepared for President Shinra about further use of the Jenova specimen. He checks the screen on the PHS and frowns when he sees an unknown number; PHS is supposed to be a very private device, but if some salesman has managed to dig up his number he won't be the first one. He spends several minutes trying to ignore the ring before he can admit that the caller is more persistent than him.

"Hojo."

"Hojo," Gast whispers.

Gast's communication style tends to consist of outbursts and speeches, so Hojo can immediately tell that something is wrong; the man’s voice has never been this colorless, void of anything life-like. Hojo is at an inn in Kalm, and tomorrow he will take a buggy ride to Midgar, where an emergency is taking place. President Shinra called him earlier to order him to come to Midgar right away, hanging up before Hojo got a chance to ask anything. He didn't really need to, and he doesn't need now, but he asks in any case:

"What is wrong?"

"I can't do this anymore,” Gast says – or rasps, rather. Because of illness? Hojo has no time for idle speculation as Gast continues: 

“Saul is dead.”

Hojo has had time to get used to this idea. This has been coming for a long time, so the news don't shock him anymore, but he's disappointed. Shinra’s first attempt to bring an Ancient back to life is an official failure.

“Gast,” he starts to say, to offer something resembling comfort, as little as he means it. He doesn't get the chance.

“It could have been your boy. I could have murdered him. I can’t be trusted with this.”

“Gast-“

“I’m sorry for everything. Good bye, Hojo.”

Call ends.

Hojo contacts the headquarters immediately, asks them to trace the call and find out where Gast has last been, but he suspects it will be pointless. After all, Gast has proved himself excellent at leaving the consequences of his actions for others to deal with.


	4. 4

That morning Sephiroth sneaks outside before Mom wakes up. He doesn't go far, walking just a little towards the town square until Shinra Mansion is in his sight. Nibelheim is even more quiet than usual in the mornings and even the mansion, the focus of all things important, takes its time to wake up. When it does, it doesn't look unlike a nest of insects.

Sephiroth has stayed around to watch it come to life on many mornings, but not this time.

Breakfasts have been quiet lately, although they've never been busy to begin with; they had the same routines back when Hojo was still around, with each member of the family taking turns in reading the newspaper and offering whatever one of them needed at the moment to them. Today Sephiroth leaves the newspaper for Mom alone, and after breakfast they sit together to watch television and wait for the nanny to arrive. When Mom leaves to work, she kisses Sephiroth on the temple before leaving. Her mouth is soft for the first time in days.

Elsa, the nanny, is strict when it comes to Sephiroth doing his home and, if assigned any, his house work, but after Sephiroth is done with his duties, Elsa usually lets him do whatever he likes. But today Sephiroth isn't in a hurry. Elsa helps him clean his room and he asks about her life, which makes her blue eyes go wide with surprise and delight. She tells him her husband isn't around much at the moment because of work, but when he comes the two of them will settle down for real. They live next door to Sephiroth, in the house no one else has wanted before because it's right next to the road leading from the town to the mountains. It's where most of the town's traffic happens because the mansion is so close; climbers also pass it by on yearly basis, but far less frequently.

Sephiroth wonders how Elsa would feel about hearing that traffic isn't going to be a problem in the future. He doesn't tell her.

It's afternoon when Sephiroth goes out again, but aside from the constant buzz around the mansion, no one else is out. That suits Sephiroth fine; he doesn't care for the other kids today anyway. It also means that he can go to the water tower in peace, with no one to distract him; he climbs up to the top of it and settles down to wait for Mom to get home.

After the mansion, the water tower is his favorite place in Nibelheim. He can see the whole town up there; the mansion, the gates, the road leading to the mountains and the mountains themselves. Even on the busy days it's always calm and quiet at the top of the water tower. He feels invisible there. He thinks it'd be nice to be invisible all the time; he'd had all the time in the world to observe things.

Evening dusk is on its way when Sephiroth finally spots Mom at the doors of the mansion, chatting with her co-workers while boxes are carried in and out. The mansion itself reminds him of a giant tree as it looms over the town, almost more impressive than the mountains rising far above it. Both the mansion and the mountains look like they'll always be here. Maybe that's how it will be.

Sephiroth and his family won’t be around to see that. Sephiroth wonders if the mansion will be even called Shinra Mansion anymore, now that Shinra is leaving Nibelheim.

"I have high expectations for you, Hojo," President Shinra says. He is smiling, wide and easy, and as long as Hojo avoids direct look in his eyes he can even imagine kindness on the other man's face. "The whole world depends on you now."

Screech of sound from another room wakes him up.

Hojo blinks up at the strange ceiling above him before turning his head to the side, searching for his wrist and the watch on it. He forgets about that as he locates the source of the sound and what it is in the first place; the room next door, television. He’s at an inn, having finally made it to his destination after a long trip. He's fully clothed, implying that he was just on a nap; one he didn't intend to take. That he managed to dream while dozing off implies that his mind has too many things to handle and that bothers him.

Dream itself was a replay of a memory, if distorted one; the real conversation, as far as he can remember, had no smiles and no words of encouragement, as is natural for President Shinra when it comes to dealing with employees. Smiles and encouragement are- or rather, were for men like Gast, who require persuasion and convincing. Hojo has a feeling the President won't risk putting extra effort to things anymore when it's not guaranteed he'll get compensated in return.

Hojo doesn't blame the man. He should have seen it too, that a man who dismissed a co-worker’s child as a specimen and yet lost his mind over an actual specimen would, naturally, turn out fraud in all other ways, too. They are better off without having the world look upon them for salvation.

So maybe it's not so odd for him to fall asleep like this, he who used to have energy for everything. He sits up and takes a true look at his watch, noticing that he still has few hours to go until his meeting. No oversleeping at least. Jenova Project has been a disaster so far, but Hojo still has the chance to finish what Gast started.

The full meaning of that sinks to him during the long afternoon, little by little; as he thinks through his opening lines and arguments, checks in with Lucrecia, with the President, even has few words with Heidegger about the promising young man who will take the leadership of the Turks. By the time Hojo has made it to downstairs of the inn and sitting by a table, enjoying a sugary beverage to get his energy up, he feels almost dizzy. Soon, everything will be worth it; his banishment, his exile, all the patience and the gritting of teeth. He, Lucrecia, their son; they can finally have both their place in history and the future they deserve.

"Professor Hojo?"

He starts, as if still sleepy, but he tries not to be embarrassed about that as he looks at the woman standing by his table; his guest. He smiles to her.

"I am. You must be Ifalna?"


	5. 5

Their Midgar home is still strange and new, so Sephiroth almost yelps when he hears someone at the door. Mom is in bed and asleep, he knows because he just checked, and nobody else is supposed to have keys; still it's a key that is obviously being turned in the lock, opens the door. Sephiroth stands frozen at the kitchen door, not daring to breathe, but then he sees it’s Hojo.

Hojo looks stranger than he usually does, worn and electrified at the same time. Hojo starts upon spotting him, and then nods as he heads deeper into the apartment, slowing down at every doorway. Sephiroth tries to remember if Mom has said anything about Hojo being here before, but even if Sephiroth hasn't seen him he must have, because when he goes to their new living room, he knows exactly where his old lumpy armchair is, slumps down on it.

For a moment, neither of them moves or says anything. Sephiroth looks at the man, his father, ever curious about him. Hojo was in Midgar for a long time before Mom and Sephiroth followed him and now he’s been elsewhere for many months; aside from few brief moments when the whole family was together, this is the first time in ages they’ve been even in the same room. Maybe the only time, too; he and Mom will have so much to do in the future, Mom has told him, in their new laboratory with their new Ancient. All Sephiroth knows about it is that Ancient is some kind of an animal, but maybe this time he'll actually get to hear something about it. Unlike with Jenova, who has only ever been a name.

Sephiroth stands at the doorway, waiting for Hojo to notice him. When all Hojo does is lean back in his chair with eyes closed Sephiroth approaches him, sits on the floor in front of him.

Their moment of not moving or saying anything goes on forever until Hojo finally looks at him, and this time he's nothing but calm, to the point he almost seems drowsy. No, drowsy isn't right; peaceful. Peace is a strange sight on Hojo’s face.

"Is everything okay?" Sephiroth asks.

Hojo's smile is almost never more than lazy exposing of teeth and this time is no different. What is different is that Hojo reaches out for him, flicks a finger across his bangs to part them further. Sephiroth suspects that the gesture is supposed to be affectionate, somehow. It’s interesting.

"Not yet, but it will be." Hojo pulls back, away, closes his eyes again. "I've been doing the thinking this time."

  
[Lucrecia: mother, lover, woman](http://u-evangeline.livejournal.com/18244.html)   



End file.
